Right, it’s 8.06pm UK time – let’s watch Ophelia. (Hits ‘Play’)

Creepy skull in crown logo, very Shakespearean gothic.

Quickly introducing all the main characters.

Claudius is a total rogue, played by Clive Owen.

Hamlet is just 15, which is about the right age for a student Prince in those days.

Naomi Watts as an ethereal Gertrude.

This film has absolutely gorgeous colours.

Little girl Ophelia is press-ganged into becoming a lady-in-waiting.

Now she’s grown-up Ophelia (played by Daisy Ridley), the other ladies-in-waiting think she’s common.

But her super-power is… she can read.

Gertrude mentions a sister. COULD THIS BE RELEVANT?

Ah, the Queen is getting Ophelia to read something a bit racy. Trying to figure out what it is. Boccaccio perhaps?

Hamlet has grown, and is “Every inch a king” – King Lear reference.

Hamlet and Horatio catch Ophelia having a swim.

Hang on, when she ran away she was completely dry?

Back at the castle, Ophelia tells the story of Diana and Actaeon.

I really like the way the film takes us into the castle’s nooks and crannies. Very immersive, almost 3D.

Uh-oh. Claudius is making a move on Gertrude. Hope her dangly earrings don’t get tangled in his lusty locks.

Ophelia sees all, of course.

Hamlet is suddenly madly in love with Ophelia, having spent about three minutes in her company.

“I’m afraid I dance like a goat,” she tells him.

Great little sword-fighting scene with Claudius winding up Hamlet.

The camera moves around a lot, and tries to show us what several characters are thinking.

Next, a Romeo and Juliet-style ball scene.

Again, I’m loving the colours and immersive sense of intimacy and depth.

Oh dear, having kissed Ophelia, Hamlet is heading back to university.

And Gertrude has sent Ophelia into the forest to see a Witch…

Now Ophelia has turned into Little Red Riding Hood.

The witch lives in a luxurious 5-star hovel.

Hang on! The witch is Gertrude’s twin sister!

She’s also Gertrude’s drug dealer.

Back at the castle, King Hamlet tells Gertrude that Claudius is quite literally a bastard. (Quite an interesting idea, actually)

Which hasn’t stopped Gertrude heading straight to the ramparts, presumably to meet Claudius.

Grown-up Laertes is played by Tom Felton.

He says that Horatio bribed a grave digger to get hold of a corpse.

HE DID WHAT?

King Hamlet is dead, bitten by a snake in the culmination of all the snake references that have already piled up in the film’s first 35 minutes.

Got to say, though, this is one of the nicest-looking films I’ve seen in a long time.

Claudius has been elected king, but Hamlet is back in time for the funeral, I mean wedding.

The film’s dialogue is a bit clunky, but Clive Owen is doing a commendable job.

Tom Felton a troubled, sensitive Laertes.

Polonius does his famous speech…

The film’s biggest problem is that the actors playing Ophelia and Hamlet don’t feel quite right for the parts.

The other problem is that Ophelia isn’t very likeable.

I feel quite sorry for all these blokes putting up with her endless snark.

The witch tells her origin story.

It involves a highly improbable Romeo and Juliet potion, what scholars of cinema would refer to as a “magical bullshit device”.

Also, if Claudius really did get her pregnant, where was her sister Gertrude during all this?

The film now seems to have turned into Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet, with an obliging Friar conducting Ophelia and Hamlet’s secret marriage and tasteful firelit wedding night montage.

The mood at the castle is now paranoid.

Claudius and Gertrude are doing drugs together.

Fickle Gertrude is being cruel to Ophelia.

Claudius has decided to enlist Ophelia in his schemes.

Okay, here’s the big twist.

In the “Get thee to a nunnery” scene, Ophelia and Hamlet are play-acting for the watching Claudius and Polonius, while having an urgent whispered conversation.

The Players have arrived, but we suspect Hamlet has gone mad for real because he’s wearing eyeliner.

Turns out he really wants Ophelia to go to a nunnery, because she’ll be safe there.

“You erased me,” Ophelia tells Gertrude. CLUNK.

Ophelia wakes up to be told Hamlet has killed Polonius (Ophelia’s dad).

Wonder if this might possibly place a strain on Hamlet and Ophelia’s secret marriage…

Laertes is back, in a rage.

And Ophelia is being forced to marry one of Claudius’s guards.

The bitchiest lady-in-waiting tells Ophelia she’s fat.

(Hmm, as we never see her eating anything, what could possibly be the reason for her weight gain?)

The bitchiest lady-in-waiting also tells Ophelia that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have killed Hamlet.

Ophelia contemplates suicide in various picturesque locations.

The ever-patient Horatio reckons Hamlet is still alive.

Claudius rumbles Ophelia and flings her in jail.

Resourceful Ophelia breaks out 30 seconds later.

She grabs some flowers and charges into the royal banquet, singing and pretending to be mad.

Claudius has this “Oh God, what is that brat doing now?” expression on his face.

This film certainly isn’t dull, it’s racing along.

But there’s no time to digest anything.

Ophelia escapes (again), glugs the magic bullshit device – er, I mean potion – and proceeds to apparently drown in the style of an iconic Pre-Raphaelite painting.

But she’s not dead, and obliging amateur grave-robber Horatio has kindly dug her up.

Ophelia is looking extremely dry and well-groomed for someone who was recently fished out of a pond.

Also, her brand-new coffin is remarkably free of soil…

Gertrude’s witch sister still loves Claudius.

Oh no, now she doesn’t.

She’s gone to betray him to the invading army.

Gertrude appears in her witch sister’s lair.

This is becoming a tragedy of errors.

Hamlet is back, and about to have a sword fight with Laertes.

Ophelia has short hair, so no-one recognises her, and she’s calling herself – favourite minor Shakespearean character alert! – Osric.

But Hamlet won’t listen to her, so she dumps him.

Impressively, Ophelia has done something that characters almost never do in films – she’s got out while there’s still plenty of time.

I mean, the sword fight hasn’t even begun yet, and she’s already jumped in a boat and rowed about a mile from the castle.

Minor point, but there seems to be some confusion as to whether this scene is taking place during daytime or at night.

The sword fight is still in progress, but pregnant Ophelia has already managed to ditch her rowing boat and climb a mountain…

Ah, I see. We’re being shown Ophelia’s long journey (of self-discovery) to the nunnery as events at the castle play out in a different time scheme.

She’s now piloting a horse and cart.

What next? A skateboard?

Holy Moly! Gertrude has just run Claudius through with Hamlet’s sword.

Meanwhile, Ophelia must have travelled a long way, because she’s approaching a mountain range, and one thing Denmark doesn’t have is any mountains.

It’s all kicking off at the castle.

Laertes drops dead.

Gertrude contemplates a potion overdose.

The Norwegian army comes crashing in, led by a terrifying bloke on a horse (presumably Fortinbras) and with Gertrude’s vengeful witch sister in tow.

I think this scene of slaughter would be really chilling if there was no music.

The ‘Doubt thou the stars are fire’ song doesn’t really work with these visuals.

And there’s a stunning overhead shot of the aftermath, but it’s spoiled by Ophelia’s voiceover.

Ophelia’s telling us how great she is, and she seems to feel there’s this titanic, cosmic dimension to her adventure.

But all she’s really done is get pregnant and do a runner.

It’s not exactly epic.

And thus ‘Ophelia’ ends.

I like this film, but find it frustrating.

It’s touted as a feminist re-write of Shakespeare, but it still leaves most of the heavy lifting to Shakespeare.

Still, it’s visually beautiful and has a strong cast.

What did you think?

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